Stickiest substance known to man

World’s stickiest surface. Confirmed……..and not in a good way.

The world’s least stickiest surface, with the lowest friction coefficient, is Teflon which is made by DuPont. Well, WinnieLeaks has found something that would stick to Teflon like Velcro. (I could also compare it to shit sticking to a white hotel duvet, but that’s a different story)

This discovery, like most discoveries, was made by accident. Well, it wasn’t really an accident. If it had been an accident there would have been blood and lots of screaming! The World’s stickiest substance is none other than the male scrotum…..but not just any fun bag. It has to be a shaven male fun bag.

Women take a certain pride in their “grooming” and I thought, foolishly, that we men should make more of an effort. As I looked down, at what can only be described as Gandalf’s beard, I realized “that can’t be nice to look at………from any angle”. And believe me, I tried to look at it from every angle with no nice vantage point apparent. So I took my razor and went to work……..very carefully. I wasn’t best pleased with the results. Apart from it looking like the last chicken on the supermarket shelf, my "King Edwards" would stick to my leg. (Important safety tip: Don’t shave and immediately depart for a tropical climate like I did. The added moisture and heat acted like super contact glue.) Worse still, was when each gonad stuck to its nearest leg and wouldn’t let go. It was like smashing conkers as I walked. Impossible to keep both eyes open at the same time when walking like this.

Ever wonder how those little lizards can climb vertical walls with ease? They have skin on the soles of their feet made from “man bags”. I think I’ll patent this contact skin idea and make climbing shoes “Nike Nads, with sack skin technology guaranteed to keep you hanging in there!” or gloves for Goalkeepers to stop balls from being dropped. I thought about stretching the “Junk Trunk” and using it under skis to assist with hill climbing called “Real Skins, have you got the balls to try?” Sadly, shrinkage in cold weather would render that idea useless.

How naive was I to think the stickiness was the worst part? The itching has now started and why oh why do they burn? How ladies? How do you do this without constantly scratching?

Me? I’m going back to the Bin Laden look.