The sport of kitten clenching

How can a kitten, slightly bigger than my hand, make my flight trip to Brazil a living hell?  

Try being fast asleep, the night before your long long flight to South America, and a kitten decides it is going to join you on the bed to sleep. Where does it decide to sleep? Right up against my bare backside. Obviously, it wasn’t enjoying its sleep because I suddenly felt the stabbing sensation of about ten hypodermic needles in the cleavage area between my cheeks. Waking up to such a shock brings on an involuntary clenching of one's buttocks. Not a good reaction, the clenching only served to embed the nails of the kitten deeper into my flesh, with the added effect of gripping tight its little paws so it couldn’t let go. However, that pain became insignificant to the next torture that ensued. As I wriggled around violently with the pain, the kitten (looking like a veteran rodeo rider) was now clawing away furiously with its hind legs shredding both my cushions to pieces.

It is at this point my wife was woken up by the initial cursing and then my tortured screams. "Leave the poor kitten alone!" She yells at me. In between bucking around and cursing loudly I managed to reply, "Leave it alone? Are you fu*king kidding? ITS GOT ME!!!!"

When we finally separated, and I have no idea how that happened, I looked like I had just slid down a very long cheese grater. The bleeding was that bad, my wife had to press a towel against each cheek for what seemed like eternity.

You can imagine my joy of sitting on aeroplanes for the next 18 hours. On the positive side, the kitten no longer bites her nails