I am a Veteran

I am a veteran, a “vet” and very proud of my service. I even wear a badge on my coat that tells everyone I am veteran of Her Majesty’s Armed Forces.. My military record includes many years serving in Northern Ireland during the “troubles” and the Gulf War in ’91. I am not a hero but my stories of the Gulf War now include me winning it single handed by choking the Iraqi Army in acrid smoke, which was the result of all the shit I had to burn…….literally!  The media blamed all the smoke and pollution, at the time, on the Iraqi Army setting fire to 600+ oil wells but it wasn’t that. No, it was our shit burning duty which blackened the skies and raised global warming temperatures to levels from which our planet can never recover from. To those of you who would now accuse us of crimes against humanity I can only reply, “Sorry, but……..we were only following orders.”

I am also a smart arse and cannot keep my mouth shut, which I am not always proud of but cannot stop myself. I think my comments are funny but they are not always appropriate or appreciated but I still giggle like a child. I never intend to offend and I like to think everyone will see the funny side and laugh with me but, sometimes, it is not seen as funny at all.

I was recently on a trip to Texas and had to visit a company down by the Mexican border. The town had its own small airport and I was able to make a day trip down from Houston, returning on an evening flight.

I had already cleared immigration some days before when I landed in Houston. So I was not expecting to be grilled by a Border Control Officer again after an internal domestic flight within Texas. As I queued to clear security, on the return trip to Houston, I was asked for identification by a Border Control Officer. I offered the guy my passport and he began flicking through it. He paused for a long time on a couple of pages that were filled with stamps from Middle Eastern countries. Pointing to one of the stamps, a mixture of Arabic and English writing, he asked “Have you been there?” How do you respond to such a dumb question? I was so tempted to say no just to see his reaction but I know I am a smart arse and these are not the people you want to offend or irritate. “Yes” I replied, “I have to travel a lot with my job.” He continued to stare at me. As a balding, portly and middle aged white male I am guessing I did not fit the profile of someone on Jihad.

Eventually he stopped staring at me and continued to look through my passport. At this point he was joined by a female colleague and now both of them were looking at the stamps in my passport. Two pages, very close together were filled with visas for China. “You’ve been to China?” the female officer asked me as her colleagued just stared at me again. My smart arse mouth was in over drive at this time, a second dumb question and the sarcasm in me was boiling over. I was working hard, very hard indeed to control the urge to make a stupid reply to another stupid question. “No, I got those stamps on Ebay” was what I did not say but really really really wanted to. Hoping this would end very soon the male officer, whilst still staring at me, said, “You know they are communist right?” This was too much for my smart arse mouth to tolerate and it began moving instinctively. Luckily my brain still had some influence and managed to dampen down my reply, “They never mentioned that to me when I got off  the plane but I’ll ask next time.” He continued to stare, probably thinking I was a smart arse.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse he turned the page. There, big and bright, covering a whole page was my visa for Vietnam. The two officers looked at each other and then at me. The female officer then asked me, “Have you been to Vietnam?” this was getting too much for me to control myself, so I bit my lip hard and I am sure I could taste blood. I was not going to say anything more stupid no matter how much they provoked me. Then I failed. It was not my fault, she made me do it. She could not keep her mouth shut. She just had to push me too far. After asking me if I had been to Vietnam she also added “My daddy is a Vet.” My reply did not go down well, not at all. I nearly missed my flight with the barrage of questions and “you think you’re a smart ass” comments that followed but I could not help myself. I should have just acknowledged her father was a war veteran and let it be. Instead I replied, “Wow, your daddy is a vet?……he must really enjoy working with animals.”