I have porn problems, planely!
Oh the shame, oh the embarrassment. Honestly, and you have to believe me, it's not what you think.
I'm on the KLM flight back from Dubai to Amsterdam and, as they begin to serve breakfast, I decided to watch a film before we land. As I scan through the list of available films, I see a film set in Germany, just after World War II, about a boy who falls in love with an older women. Without any warning, their relationship ends and she disappears. Many years later, he meets the same lady again. However, now he is the lawyer defending her. Starring Kate Winslet and Ranulph Fiennes, it is called "The Reader", I'm thinking this could be good.
The film starts as most of the other passengers are finishing their breakfasts and making themselves ready for landing, which will be in about an hour and a half.
So far the film has started slowly, when suddenly Kate Winslet has popped all her clothes off and is seducing the already naked boy, who just got out of a bath. The screen I'm watching is typical in KLM Business Class, rather large and very clear. It doesn't help that I also have an aisle seat where most of the other passengers can see my screen. Just as Kate's breasts start bouncing up and down, as God intended them to, my screen freezes because the Pilot makes an announcement. Of course, people stop watching their own frozen screens, look up and listen to the announcement. It's then they all notice the very prominent mammary glands proudly displayed on my screen.
Discreetly, I reach for the TV controls and try to press the stop button. Nothing! No reaction what-so-ever! The Captain is still talking so everything stays frozen. A little boy, aged about six and sitting across the aisle from me, starts squealing and giggling loudly whilst pointing at my screen. By now I'm hitting my TV control buttons furiously. I don't care which button works as long as it clears my screen. Still nothing happens!
I understand that the Captain wants to tell us our journey is coming to an end and he wants to thank us all for travelling with KLM but do I need to know which bloody town we are flying over as he speaks? What's that? The weather? I don't care what the bloody weather is like or what the outside F*%¤King temperature is...........oh, and now you want to tell me it all again in another bloody language!!!! NO! NO! NO! I have Kate Winslet arching her back and auctioning her wares in full technicolour on my screen. Shut-The-F**k-UP!!!!!!
Finally, the Captain stops broadcasting, my screen unfreezes and Kate continues to bounce her baby feeders. Seizing the opportunity to end my Amish-esque shame, I grab my TV controller again and punch the stop button. Too bloody late, the Bursar is now talking on the loud speakers and my screen has frozen again.
Sweet baby Jesus, now there is an arse on my screen! Two perfectly curved buttocks on display. Kate has now changed positions and her young lover is about to learn something new. From behind me, someone says "Is that her leg behind her head?" If the little boy squealing hadn't gotten everyone's attention, then that comment did. I could hear at least a couple of women tutting then rolling their eyes.
The woman sitting next to me was looking at me in disgust as the Bursar continued to tell us what bloody airport gates passengers can rush to, for connecting flights, when we land.
With the screen still frozen, I'm still hitting every button on my screen controller like a teenage girl texting on her phone. Resigned, I turned slowly to the woman beside me and, still blushing, I say to her, "I thought it was a film about War Crimes."
