Poking your nose in....where it does not belong!

I’m the victim here, remember that.

It was an early start today, up at 0500 to catch a flight from Dubai to Munich with Lufthansa. Upon reaching the airport and the Lufthansa counter, they would not give me a seat at check in. Uh oh.......not a good start. It is only as I leave the executive lounge they give me my seat. Hurrah, upgraded to First Class!

I have to say the Lufthansa First Class was very very good. The seat/bed was huge. Since I was still tired, I opted to sleep for a few hours after take off and the Cabin Crew kindly made up up my bed and lifted up some privacy walls so it became a suite. Stay with me here, it’s relevant, I’m not showing off.....too much, I hope.

I slept for about three hours then woke up. Still dreary, I sat up, lifted my eye shades up to my forehead and tried to look out through bleary eyes. Feeling a bit thirsty, I heard the service trolley being used somewhere behind me, so I swung my legs off the bed and looked around the privacy screen. It is at this exact moment the female cabin crew attending the trolley, with her back to me, bends down and I receive a face full of nylon trouser covered German arse . I was hit that hard in the face that there was definitely, and I’m not sure of the correct technical term for this, but there was definitely nasal penetration. Rhino-wedging? Call it what you like but my nose crevice’d. Instantly, the lady spun around, which almost broke my nose and dragged my eye mask sufficiently off my forehead as to allow the knicker elastic securing strap to catapult them across the cabin. I swear the friction heat, from those nylon trousers rubbing against my face, scorched my eyebrows too.

Once facing me, the lady spoke some words rapidly in German, none that I had ever heard in a porn film, so I didn’t understand. Judging by her shocked and violated expression, not to mention the anger in her voice,  I guessed she wasn’t being polite. Remembering I was British and, so as not to aggrevate the situation further, I remained calm and composed. Remaining composed was not as easy as you might think. My nose hurt, my eyes are watering and I did not have a clue what just happened. I'm confronted by an angry female cabin crew, who obviously thought innappropriate shenanigans had just occured, and was still cursing me in German................... all I could utter was “Good morning”.

My cabin service went downhill rapidly from that moment. I had to suffer accusing stares everytime any crew member passed me. Yet, judging by the tenderness of my nose, I was the victim really.

Update: Since this story was first told, I have learned from a friend, who is a cabin crew herself, that it is whilst bending down that cabin crew seize the opportunity to expel trapped gasses, which occur due to changes in the cabin pressure (apparently). I realize now that I could have suffered a lot worse than a bruised nose. I could have been gassed!